What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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