Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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