I wish I could teleport
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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