you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How external is "for external use only"?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
