If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
