I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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