just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
