Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
