put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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