dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
