He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
