I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
