Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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