I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
