it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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