I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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