This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Randomize
