I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
