i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
