If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
