i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
