i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
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I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
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moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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