Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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