Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
