If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
