Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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