They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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