I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
