i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
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She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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