not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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