I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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