her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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