Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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