Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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