My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
