the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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