I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You are a genius and a whore.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
