hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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