Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
