pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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