i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
