broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
