could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
