one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
false alarm, still single
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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