NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
