Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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