I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
