i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
