I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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