He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
