tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
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Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
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We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
It can also be a hat.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.