Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
