apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
