I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
