Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
