I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
