I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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