im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
