I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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