my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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