He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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