She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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