Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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